...Halfway There...
Tuesday, March 13th. Tuesday, March 13th. Tuesday....March....13th. When I first found out I was pregnant, this date kept scrolling through my consciousness as the date I would be 20 weeks pregnant. It seemed so incredibly far away, and the thought of all of the delicate work that had to take place inside my womb to get to that point was staggering. My baby had to form a spinal cord...and a brain...and lungs...and kidneys...and even fingernails. As a worrier, I had to make a conscious effort not to lie awake thinking of everything that could go wrong. I have reminded myself over and over that God gave me this baby for whom I have prayed so ardently, and He will see us through. As part of my efforts, I decided to take the pregnancy week by week. No reading ahead in the baby book. No reading about the upcoming week on baby websites until I was a day or two shy of making it. No wishing the time away.
I am incredibly grateful, overjoyed, and almost in disbelief that we've made it halfway. When I say "disbelief," I'm not implying that I'm still in the "I just found out I'm pregnant"shock phase; it's more like a "I can't believe I'm finally getting everything I wanted" shock. It's almost like a too-good-to-be-true complex has me in its grips. I'm not used to this. I'm not used to uncomplicated and wonderful. My mother was sick throughout my childhood, adolescence, and most of my college years. I was constantly worried about her, and there was always some setback or disappointment lurking around the corner. My dad's business went bankrupt in high school, and he was laid off from another excellent job while I was in college. I lost two sweet aunts, a dear uncle, my precious Nana, and, essentially, my Papaw in six years. My two remaining grandparents have both battled cancer in the past few years as well. I have been conditioned for worry since I was a small child, and it's incredibly hard to shake that after so long.
I am not so much of a pessimist, though, that I have not seen the good things that have happened during this same time period. I thought my world was over when I got wait-listed at Davidson during my senior year of high school, but going to UNC was one of the best experiences of my life. I have fallen...literally fallen...on top of job after job after job since graduating college. Six months after my darling Nana died, I met my sweet husband. We own a house. We own two cars. We can provide for ourselves. Incredible friendships have been strengthened, and wonderful new friends have come into my life at the same time. I. am. blessed. I may have a safety helmet on, waiting for the next time the sky falls, but I am very conscious of the fact that I have found favor with the Lord, and He has richly blessed me all because of the simple fact that He loves me. I imagine that God has had several opportunities to become frustrated with my unwillingness to let go of earthly fears and hang-ups, but I am learning...slowly...but surely.
As I mentioned in my previous post, pregnancy (and I imagine, motherhood) is an exercise in blind faith. Yes, things can go wrong, but I refuse to ruin what is for fear of what might be. God has proven his faithfulness time and time again in my life. I have enough fears of irrational things like, "Is there any way I won't be sucked into space if gravity suddenly stops working?" or, "What if I'm re-living my life as a flashback right before death?" Yeah. I've had that last thought since I was in second grade. SECOND. GRADE. PEOPLE. I could give Wednesday Addams a run for her money in terms of neuroticism and morbidity any day of the week. Anyway, I digress. I have enough incredibly irrational and ridiculous fears that I have absolutely no reason to fear rational things. My own mind is a much scarier place than reality, I assure you. It has taken me years, but I have come to terms with the overwhelming, terrifying, and simultaneously wonderful thing that is reality. I've got God. God's got me. What else do I need to know?
As I was pondering even writing this blog this evening, I stumbled upon a framed print on etsy.com. I was looking for Bible verse prints to put in Lucy's room, and I found one that said this: "She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." ((Proverbs 31:25)) I assure you, this will be purchased and hung in her room as a reminder to both her and me that there is no sense in worrying about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself.
I am incredibly grateful, overjoyed, and almost in disbelief that we've made it halfway. When I say "disbelief," I'm not implying that I'm still in the "I just found out I'm pregnant"shock phase; it's more like a "I can't believe I'm finally getting everything I wanted" shock. It's almost like a too-good-to-be-true complex has me in its grips. I'm not used to this. I'm not used to uncomplicated and wonderful. My mother was sick throughout my childhood, adolescence, and most of my college years. I was constantly worried about her, and there was always some setback or disappointment lurking around the corner. My dad's business went bankrupt in high school, and he was laid off from another excellent job while I was in college. I lost two sweet aunts, a dear uncle, my precious Nana, and, essentially, my Papaw in six years. My two remaining grandparents have both battled cancer in the past few years as well. I have been conditioned for worry since I was a small child, and it's incredibly hard to shake that after so long.
I am not so much of a pessimist, though, that I have not seen the good things that have happened during this same time period. I thought my world was over when I got wait-listed at Davidson during my senior year of high school, but going to UNC was one of the best experiences of my life. I have fallen...literally fallen...on top of job after job after job since graduating college. Six months after my darling Nana died, I met my sweet husband. We own a house. We own two cars. We can provide for ourselves. Incredible friendships have been strengthened, and wonderful new friends have come into my life at the same time. I. am. blessed. I may have a safety helmet on, waiting for the next time the sky falls, but I am very conscious of the fact that I have found favor with the Lord, and He has richly blessed me all because of the simple fact that He loves me. I imagine that God has had several opportunities to become frustrated with my unwillingness to let go of earthly fears and hang-ups, but I am learning...slowly...but surely.
As I mentioned in my previous post, pregnancy (and I imagine, motherhood) is an exercise in blind faith. Yes, things can go wrong, but I refuse to ruin what is for fear of what might be. God has proven his faithfulness time and time again in my life. I have enough fears of irrational things like, "Is there any way I won't be sucked into space if gravity suddenly stops working?" or, "What if I'm re-living my life as a flashback right before death?" Yeah. I've had that last thought since I was in second grade. SECOND. GRADE. PEOPLE. I could give Wednesday Addams a run for her money in terms of neuroticism and morbidity any day of the week. Anyway, I digress. I have enough incredibly irrational and ridiculous fears that I have absolutely no reason to fear rational things. My own mind is a much scarier place than reality, I assure you. It has taken me years, but I have come to terms with the overwhelming, terrifying, and simultaneously wonderful thing that is reality. I've got God. God's got me. What else do I need to know?
As I was pondering even writing this blog this evening, I stumbled upon a framed print on etsy.com. I was looking for Bible verse prints to put in Lucy's room, and I found one that said this: "She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." ((Proverbs 31:25)) I assure you, this will be purchased and hung in her room as a reminder to both her and me that there is no sense in worrying about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself.
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